Emotional Wave ~ Tsunami of Feelings, Am I Wrong?

Sometimes I find myself lost in emotional waves that are pleasant, which is when I go weeks without posting.  And then there are emotional waves that are reminiscent of a tsunami...there's a momentary drawback of my mind's shoreline, dredging memories of the infliction of disillusionment.  These memories in all it's abundance creates the tsunami's wave trough, an intense emotional ridge, cresting with a raging fury ready to thrash my delicately re-built shore.

It's easy to push your feelings in the shadows, into the corner of a closet of your mind and shut the door.  It sits quietly, undisturbed.  You try so hard to forget it's there because it pains you to think it even existed.  You beat yourself up about how you allowed such experiences to transpire and be written in your life...

This is what the emotional part of me in life is like, as a survivor of domestic violence.

Today, my happy place (Twitter/my blog) was confirmed to have been trolled by "the Ex".  Of course many of us thought he probably has, but it was finally documented and confirmed as such.  So, background...I have a 12 month restraining/no contact order against him, the only way we communicate is via text, which should be child related.  So, to get to the root of my falling off the stable emotional wagon today, after financial related texting, he drops this in the convo:

"...maybe I should show our kids and everyone all your dirty laundry tweets on Twitter and your blog."

I flashed back to my December 2nd, 2013 blog post, where I touch on domestic violence, utilizing a YouTube video clip of a scene in Labyrinth with David Bowie, where he is told, 'You have no power over me.'  Why did I flash back to that? When I read that specific line of text from the Ex, although a millisecond of a shock, the jolt sent me into an emotional retrograde.  Technically, this is a form of emotional abuse according to the infamous "Power and Control Wheel".  Of course, it took me all night to mill through the emotional distress, hence here we are.

First and foremost, for a 41 year old man to state this (in text no less) in reference to an 8 year old boy and 5 year old girl, is completely and utterly unacceptable.  To say you would show some one's children something that you know damn well you shouldn't, is a threat, is it not?  Secondly, show everyone else, IDGAF, MY Twitter and MY blog, is my safe haven, my solace.  Third, it is infuriating to say the least, that he calls my tweets and blog "dirty".  And lastly, it is equally infuriating that this 'dirty' labeling of his, encompasses my friends on Twitter and ALL my blog readers.  They are regular people who are enjoying the entertainment of Twitter and my blog.

Since when is someone expressing their creativity or socializing online or in person 'dirty'?!  My ability to WRITE my thoughts, ideas, feelings and emotions are beautiful, life affirming things.  That are MINE.  I refuse to let him and his words shit all over me, my friends and my happy place.

We all know now (because many of us - my family, friends, Twitter friends and blog readers - "had a feeling" he was trolling), FOR SURE, that he and his cohorts have cyber stalked me.  Let me give them something to think about if they probably didn't know, or if they did, remind them as they chose to turn the other cheek.

Without my Ex in my life, I can...

• Make new friends in real life and virtually - female and especially male (as a matter of fact, after I met him, I lost ALL my male friends)
• Not be accused of fucking any of my new friends
• Not worry that I might miss a call at my work desk and get third degree questioned about where I was because I didn't answer my phone
• Drive home from work at a leisurely pace, get stuck in traffic and not worry if I arrive home "10 minutes later than usual"
• Go grocery shopping and TAKE MY TIME.  I have absolutely NO TIME CONSTRAINTS.
• Volunteer my time if I want, however I want, to do whatever I want
• Take dance lessons (I just started back Hula/Tahitian dance class recently!)
• Make eye contact with men and not worry about being accused of doing something with them
• Go out with girlfriends and freely go to different places in one night, because, isn't that what you do, when you go out?  I would be crucified for not being at the original place I said I was going to be at
• Have lunch with a male co-worker without issues
• Have a phone conversation in a crowded area and not be asked, "Who's that?  Who's there?  Where you at?  Who are you with?
• Not worry about having someone smell my pantyliner (yes, that was TMI, but WHO FUCKING DOES THAT???)
• Tweet anything that I damn well feel like Tweeting because it's Twitter (Do you even know what Twitter is, bro?)
• Blog about anything that I damn well feel like blogging about, because, it's MY BLOG, you fuck.  And, the First Amendment.  (Oh, and those Erotica Snippets have nothing to do with ANY sexy time I ever had with you.)
• not worry that I might be choked, man handled or hair pulled
• and will, find myself a man who will treat me the way I deserve to be, not ever verbally, emotionally or physically abuse me, love me for who I used to be, who I am today, and encourage me to be the best that I can be.

There's more, but I'm tired and puffy eyed from crying in anger at his behavior and more importantly, that I have to deal with him for the rest of my life because, kids.

Since the song "Am I Wrong" by Nico & Vinz came out, I've related it to me with life.  When line is sung, "For thinking that we could be something for real", the "we" for some of you is another person, your significant other, for me, it's 'me and a beautiful, happy life'.  You know what?  I'm NOT wrong.

Emotional Wave ~ Renewed Motivation

It has been quite some time since I blogged, hasn’t it?  I was somewhat avoiding blogging to be honest.  Why?  Negativity.  I had so much internal negativity, I didn’t want to expose any of you, or spread it.  Know what I mean?  I started blogging as an outlet for working through my thoughts and feelings.  I didn’t have much negativity then.  It was more feeling lost, hopeless, hopeful, aimless thoughts, new adventures or muddling through emotions.  When extrication happened in October (new readers, reference the “In All Seriousness” page before continuing to read), the ball started rolling in December with the few legal aspects of this whole freakin’ debacle.  However, only in the past couple of weeks the heat turned up and all hell broke loose in the ‘emotional bearing’ arena.  Needless to say, I found myself withdrawing from posting or tweeting and having to face down real life drama and circumstances.

So, what brings me back to blog?  My self-awareness.  I worried that my toxic real life drama and emotional chaos would bring you, my readers, my tweeps, my friends, down.  The friends via Twitter and my blog, who genuinely ask how my well-being is regularly because they've read my blog or we've had heart to heart chats on DM about life in general, cared.  I didn't want to worry anyone.  Always the ‘Protector’.  We protectors end up with the most burden.  We care ‘too much’, therefore, we get hurt the most.  Well, that’s my opinion as I've found this to be true in my experience.  This is what made me snap into a realization – we do this to ourselves.  I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, feelings and reactions.  I need to remember you all are as well.  I am not anyone’s keeper.  You keep yourself in check, and I’ll keep myself in check.  Simple.  My blog is mine.  To express as I feel, not what anyone thinks or feels I should be expressing or if it will affect them.  I lost sight of that back in February when the cyber drama happened then real life wants to throw some shit in the mix too in March.  Boo. Anyway, I’ve shaken the ick off and am back with renewed motivation.

While I was working through the real life muck, I started reading again.  I finished reading “Tuesdays with Morrie” by American Writer Mitch Albom last week.  It's a true story about a dying professor (Morrie) who teaches a student (Mitch) from about twenty years ago, about what's important in life during the last months of his life.  I started reading this book in September last fall.  When the shit hit the fan in October, I was 86% into the book and hadn't picked it up since.  After finishing the book, I kicked myself in the ass and remembered why I blog.  It is part of my self prescribed rehab!

I felt like sharing my afterthoughts, my inner monologue of what I learned by reading this book.   I hope you find this profound in some way to jolt thoughts in your life if you're going through a rough patch, or patches or fields. Hell, endless acres even!

There was an amazing, singular aspect of life from Morrie's perspective, that will forever stay scorched in my being.  It's about learning to allow your emotions to FULLY penetrate in an experience so you can detach from that experience.  What?  Right.  Here's an excerpt from the book that may hopefully help you better understand as Morrie explains to Mitch:

"...detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.  On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully.  That's how you are able to leave it."

"Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid.  You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief.  You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."

In my real life situation, this helped tremendously.  I have always tried to be 'strong' (in enduring the last twelve years) and 'keeping it together'.  Now, what I needed, was to be strong to let my self unravel.  Feel the anger, shame, sadness, hopelessness, love, hate--EVERY emotion, penetrate me fully.  Not a quarter way.  Not half way. Completely.  Of course though, by doing this, comes a hefty price to pay in the 'coping' of your emotions department, let me tell you.  You must let yourself cry unabashedly, get fired up and explosively pissed, be end of the world sad - unbearably, heart achingly, heartbroken to be exact, feel completely and utterly lost and despaired...basically far beneath rock bottom of your emotional capacity really.  It. Will. Fucking. Suck. Bad...

Chin up, though...the detachment part is worth all that pain searing agony of allowing every single emotion to FULLY penetrate you.  It's like your self, your being, is a colander.  You've strained all the excess bullshit with a pressure washer.  When it's all drained, what's left is what really matters.  The true you.  The cleaned you.  The you that was lost in all that muck.  Thoughts become clearer.  Emotions are renewed.  Motivation has been brought back up to the surface instead of forgotten at the bottom of all that ick.

You may or may not be in a situation that would warrant such an extreme kind of emotional journey, but if you should someday, I highly recommend letting yourself be fully penetrated by all your emotions.  Once you do it, each successive time you have to, it'll come easier.  I know.

This book was deeply inspirational for me.  There were so many other aspects of life Morrie's perspective highlighted.  If you haven't read this book yet, it most definitely should be on your reading list.  One of my favorites, without a doubt.

Thanks for sticking around you guys...xoxo...and yes, another snippet should be upcoming with this new motivation.  *wink wink*