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TCA ~ Perspective. It all comes back to you.

The past six months I’ve been busy with real life.  No time for Twitter, blogging or much ‘online fun’.  I gained perspective after the emotional dredge which fueled my last blog post in September.  I’ve spent my time thinking, “What in the hell do I want out of life?”  I love Twitter and my blog, but I’ve shifted free time from ‘cyber playing’ to living and enjoying real life.  This is a good thing.

In July 2013, I started to actively enjoy the fun of Twitter.  I met many wonderful tweeps, who are still to this day, my actual friends.  At the inception of my blog up until October 2014, I self-rehabilitated myself to work through the emotional aspect of being a Domestic Violence (DV) survivor (mild physically, major emotionally).  I tweeted, thought, wrote, and voiced my inner thoughts/monologue into cyber space as a healing process.  Through this process, I learned, made new friends, laughed and started to believe life has indeed only begun to be a ‘Beautiful Life’.

Let me share some things I learned from my interactions on Twitter and Blogging:

Kindness, respect and understanding should be universal in everyone’s being.  We are not here to speak, act or believe what others think we should.  We are in this life for our own intentions, happiness and beliefs.  However, the choice to fuel this is each individual’s and we can only hope that we each use goodness, courtesy and selflessness to live.  Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all had this mindset?  Pretty amazing it would be, I think.

Individuality is not a negative thing.  Be who you want to be without worrying what anyone but YOU thinks.  What some other person random or not thinks of you means nothing.  It is their opinion that they are entitled to, so let them think and be opinionated as they wish.  If it is good, then good fills them.  If it is not good, then not goodness fills them.  Not you.  Also consider it in reverse, it is key to be able to let things roll off your back.  I have begun to realize I have the ability to control my emotions and thoughts about all of this and it has been a wonderful milestone.  This mindset will push you to the next level of well-being and the ability to make the right choices for YOU.  There is a learning curve, so don’t beat yourself up if it takes years to “get”.  I know it took me years!

There are times to make changes in your life.  Be wary of stagnation and complacency.  If you don’t like change, learn to.  A business cannot thrive if they don’t change the way they do things if business is not going the way they want, as is a person’s life.  It’s like watching television, if you don’t like the show that is on whether it’s boring, upsets you, or is not interesting, you CHANGE the channel.  Same with life.  It does not mean change your job every time you feel derailed or change boyfriend/girlfriend because you’re bored with them.  It means, look at YOURSELF and change the things about you that will in turn change the situation you are in, in a positive way.  If you point the finger at yourself always, or always look in the mirror when you feel things are not ‘going your way’ or ‘life sucks’, you will learn to make changes in the way YOU think, act, feel, behave that will get you where you need to be.  And again, not a quick thing to learn or master.  Give yourself the time to grow.  A redwood tree as majestic as it is, does not just appear that way.  It took time.  You CAN do this.  I know, because I’ve done it.  It’s taken me 18 months to learn all that you’re reading about in this post.  It CAN be done.

While I will not be as active as I once used to be on Twitter or my blog (as you probably already noticed), I will try to stay ‘connected’ as much as life will allow.  I’ll be tweaking my Twitter handle and blog name a bit to tone down the ‘shock’ of the all in fun name of “Toaster Cum Ass” (although keeping it in my Bio).  I would like to be worry-free of virtual, fun me and real/professional me crossing cyber paths and raising eyebrows in the professional realm to allow for my real/professional self to continue to grow, develop and accept presented opportunities.  Very recently in my current job, new responsibilities and inclusion in a corporate video that will be accessible globally is definitely something to give courtesy to in regard to my company’s reputation and expanding potential as well as paving my road for a long-term and successful career path.  In addition, being a Board Member of a non-profit should also be given that same courtesy to ensure the success of their mission.

This is not a goodbye, rather the closing of a chapter in the Book of My Life as “TCA”, the lost soul, needing direction, guidance, a chance to be free and the true person she is.  Almost like graduating high school and moving onto college.  I will be away, learning, growing, living life to its fullest.  Remember this though, you all made this happen for me - my Twitter followers and my blog readers.  The teeny percentage of ‘not so cool’ interactions has been muted by the magnitude of respect, love, admiration, care and understanding of many of you male and female tweeps alike.  This has given me courage, more compassion and drive to continue to be who I want to be thereby doing things that make me happy and that are in the best interest of me and my life and overcome the experience of DV.  I am merely shifting efforts from personal rehab to professional/personal motivation and determination.  My treatment has been successful, thanks to you.  I truly have a place in my heart for all of you who have been on this journey with me these several months.  I miss you when I'm away.  I really do.  Keep in touch!

Soja - "I believe"

Emotional Wave ~ Tsunami of Feelings, Am I Wrong?

Sometimes I find myself lost in emotional waves that are pleasant, which is when I go weeks without posting.  And then there are emotional waves that are reminiscent of a tsunami...there's a momentary drawback of my mind's shoreline, dredging memories of the infliction of disillusionment.  These memories in all it's abundance creates the tsunami's wave trough, an intense emotional ridge, cresting with a raging fury ready to thrash my delicately re-built shore.

It's easy to push your feelings in the shadows, into the corner of a closet of your mind and shut the door.  It sits quietly, undisturbed.  You try so hard to forget it's there because it pains you to think it even existed.  You beat yourself up about how you allowed such experiences to transpire and be written in your life...

This is what the emotional part of me in life is like, as a survivor of domestic violence.

Today, my happy place (Twitter/my blog) was confirmed to have been trolled by "the Ex".  Of course many of us thought he probably has, but it was finally documented and confirmed as such.  So, background...I have a 12 month restraining/no contact order against him, the only way we communicate is via text, which should be child related.  So, to get to the root of my falling off the stable emotional wagon today, after financial related texting, he drops this in the convo:

"...maybe I should show our kids and everyone all your dirty laundry tweets on Twitter and your blog."

I flashed back to my December 2nd, 2013 blog post, where I touch on domestic violence, utilizing a YouTube video clip of a scene in Labyrinth with David Bowie, where he is told, 'You have no power over me.'  Why did I flash back to that? When I read that specific line of text from the Ex, although a millisecond of a shock, the jolt sent me into an emotional retrograde.  Technically, this is a form of emotional abuse according to the infamous "Power and Control Wheel".  Of course, it took me all night to mill through the emotional distress, hence here we are.

First and foremost, for a 41 year old man to state this (in text no less) in reference to an 8 year old boy and 5 year old girl, is completely and utterly unacceptable.  To say you would show some one's children something that you know damn well you shouldn't, is a threat, is it not?  Secondly, show everyone else, IDGAF, MY Twitter and MY blog, is my safe haven, my solace.  Third, it is infuriating to say the least, that he calls my tweets and blog "dirty".  And lastly, it is equally infuriating that this 'dirty' labeling of his, encompasses my friends on Twitter and ALL my blog readers.  They are regular people who are enjoying the entertainment of Twitter and my blog.

Since when is someone expressing their creativity or socializing online or in person 'dirty'?!  My ability to WRITE my thoughts, ideas, feelings and emotions are beautiful, life affirming things.  That are MINE.  I refuse to let him and his words shit all over me, my friends and my happy place.

We all know now (because many of us - my family, friends, Twitter friends and blog readers - "had a feeling" he was trolling), FOR SURE, that he and his cohorts have cyber stalked me.  Let me give them something to think about if they probably didn't know, or if they did, remind them as they chose to turn the other cheek.

Without my Ex in my life, I can...

• Make new friends in real life and virtually - female and especially male (as a matter of fact, after I met him, I lost ALL my male friends)
• Not be accused of fucking any of my new friends
• Not worry that I might miss a call at my work desk and get third degree questioned about where I was because I didn't answer my phone
• Drive home from work at a leisurely pace, get stuck in traffic and not worry if I arrive home "10 minutes later than usual"
• Go grocery shopping and TAKE MY TIME.  I have absolutely NO TIME CONSTRAINTS.
• Volunteer my time if I want, however I want, to do whatever I want
• Take dance lessons (I just started back Hula/Tahitian dance class recently!)
• Make eye contact with men and not worry about being accused of doing something with them
• Go out with girlfriends and freely go to different places in one night, because, isn't that what you do, when you go out?  I would be crucified for not being at the original place I said I was going to be at
• Have lunch with a male co-worker without issues
• Have a phone conversation in a crowded area and not be asked, "Who's that?  Who's there?  Where you at?  Who are you with?
• Not worry about having someone smell my pantyliner (yes, that was TMI, but WHO FUCKING DOES THAT???)
• Tweet anything that I damn well feel like Tweeting because it's Twitter (Do you even know what Twitter is, bro?)
• Blog about anything that I damn well feel like blogging about, because, it's MY BLOG, you fuck.  And, the First Amendment.  (Oh, and those Erotica Snippets have nothing to do with ANY sexy time I ever had with you.)
• not worry that I might be choked, man handled or hair pulled
• and will, find myself a man who will treat me the way I deserve to be, not ever verbally, emotionally or physically abuse me, love me for who I used to be, who I am today, and encourage me to be the best that I can be.

There's more, but I'm tired and puffy eyed from crying in anger at his behavior and more importantly, that I have to deal with him for the rest of my life because, kids.

Since the song "Am I Wrong" by Nico & Vinz came out, I've related it to me with life.  When line is sung, "For thinking that we could be something for real", the "we" for some of you is another person, your significant other, for me, it's 'me and a beautiful, happy life'.  You know what?  I'm NOT wrong.

It's Why You're Still Here Robin.

I wish people would stop focusing on his 'issues', 'problems', 'addictions', 'struggles'...

Instead why can't people focus on a death, by whatever mean and because it's happened and nothing will change it, as a chance to CELEBRATE the life LIVED. The decades of laughs, smiles, feel good feelings, inspirational and charitable works.

Be grateful for what the one who passed GAVE US during their life. Learn from their life, not pick apart or find the blemishes.

I'm going to remember all the wonderful movies, appearances, events, activism and good things of not only him, but of people in general. That's what I'm going to do.

Scene's from my most favorite movie starring the great Robin Williams, "What Dreams May Come" ...I celebrate you.

"Heaven and Reality"

"I still exist."

"Sometimes when you win, you lose."

Rant ~ Remove Yourself From Twicsy!

I’m totally going to go nergeek on you in this post.  How you ask?  I’m going to give you a step by step, tutorial with screenshots and instructions with pretty colored arrows.  That’s how.  Why you ask?  Because you probably didn’t realize Twicsy existed and that even after you delete your Twitter account…the pictures you tweeted, live on.  What is Twicsy?  They say: "Twicsy is social pics."  It's a Twitter picture search engine.

If you’re me however, when you search your ‘Virtual’ self to make sure it isn’t cross-referencing your ‘Real Life’ self for professional reasons, you stumble upon your ‘Funsies’ Twitter intertwined with your ‘Professional’ Twitter.  DAFUQ?!?!  Exactly.  This is what I looked like if you were my laptop screen looking back at me when I made this discovery…

Courtesy of using canva.com

See, what had happened was….I retweeted something as TCA, which should have been retweeted by “Real Life” me.  The content (pic) retweeted is directly connected to volunteer stuff I do.  OMG.  Yes.  Totally.  I know right?? I mixed up the two accounts.  Effing dolt.  At the time, when I retweeted this pic tweet as TCA, I realized it right away and deleted it.  Or so I thought.

The search of “Toaster Cum Ass” listed TCA in a few places – Twicsy being one.  AND HOLY SHIT.  That tweet was STILL OUT THERE AS BEING RETWEETED BY TCA!!!!!  DA. FUQ.

Needless to say, I went into a brief hysteria.  I Googled “how do i get my profile not to show in twicsy?” and the very first result I clicked on:

http://blog.agatapiekut.com/twicsy-never-forgets

THANK GOODNESS FOR AGATA PIEKUT @gatadreams !!!  Thank her for having blogged this information back in February.  Without her info, I would not know where to start because my hysteria had taken hold.  I followed instructions, which were slightly vague, yet pointed me in the right direction.  With my awesome skeeeeeellz, I found exactly what needed to be done – and let me tell you, Twicsy PURPOSELY makes it difficult for you to find.  So, being that I was in hysteria and then pretty pissed off that to remove my profile was CAMOUFLAGED, I decided I MUST BLOG THIS.  I MUST TELL EVERYONE in cyber space how to delete their profiles from Twicsy. *GRINS* Because it’s bullshit.

Since there will be several screenshots and instructions, I decided to make it an actual PAGE of my blog so it’ll be easier for people to find, reference and share.  Click the link below:

Remove Yourself From Twicsy

FYI - Google yourself or search yourself on Twicsy to see if you show up. Why? I searched my real life twitter results (which is a smaller account [really small Lol]) and it doesn't generate any information on me on Twicsy.  But I didn't check first, I just started the process to remove my real life self from Twicsy, but couldn't.  Because I wasn't there.  Duh.

Happy removing!!!  If you have issues, email me at lenorexavier@gmail.com I'd be happy to help you go through the motions.

Though if you don't have my issues, I guess Twicsy is good per this article:

http://www.killerstartups.com/social-networking/twicsy-com-search-pictures-shared-on-twitter/

Your choice.

Father's Day ~ Celebration of Fatherhood

I have to tell you, Twitter and my blog has not only been great self-rehab, but socially, it has allowed me to connect with amazing people from all around the world.  One of my followers has become a 'bestie' @mxryder78.  A guy bestie.  In my previous relationship, I lost many of my friends - both guys and girls because my ex was jealous/possessive.  I'm slowly building my friends network both virtually and in real life.  He shares the same music taste, originally from the West Coast (Cali), we're around the same age.  We discovered we liked/grew up listening to many of the punk bands from the 90's (Pennywise, Bad Religion, NoFx, etc.)  Anyway, this Father's Day post was inspired by him and a movie he recommended:  "The Other F Word"  Watch the trailer below to see what the movie is about.

It's on Netflix currently - I watched it Mother's Day weekend.  It was an amazing flick!  It made me laugh, jam out to music I used to listen to in high school and even made me tear up (Specifically Flea, Duane Peters and Art Alexakis' stories).

There were 20+ Dads (from musicians/singers to Skater/BMX Pros) in this movie. The main Dad is Jim Lindberg from Pennywise (@mxryder78's fave band!)They talked about their fathers, sharing insight of the choices they had to make in the transition of becoming a father.  Never mind who they are, it is clear and true across the board, as with being a mother, a father too must be courageous in fulfilling an important role in a child's life.

This Father's Day, I want to celebrate all the Dad's present, past and beyond.  My Dad, your Dad, Dads of Twitter, those who may not have had the best Father, or don't know who their Father is, I hope you had a male figure that was your father figure.  If not, then your mom, grandmother, aunt or any other individual that took care of you that you love and respect.  They've done their best to love us, provide for us and teach us.  Being a parent is not easy, but we do our best to do what's right and try to ensure our children become the adult we would want them to be.

I hope all you Fathers out there enjoyed your day.  Thank you for trying your best to provide for and love your families.  For doing the right things and keeping your head up when times get tough or life throws you lemons.  Love to you all.

Happy Father's Day!

Enjoy some of my favorite songs from a few of the bands in the movie!

"Bro Hymn" - Pennywise

"Don't Call Me White" - NOFX

"Recipe for Hate" - Bad Religion

"Father of Mine" - Everclear

Mother's Day Reflection ~ Moms Are Courageous

Eight years ago, I celebrated my very first Mother's Day.  My little bundle of joy, my son, was four weeks old.  Yes, what a joyous occasion.  Except I celebrated it in a Children's Hospital.

It was the second day of stay at All Children's Hospital in St. Petersburg, Florida.  I woke to the beautiful footprint greeting hanging on some medical contraption.  It was a bittersweet surprise.  We would not know that our four week old had neuroblastoma until four days later and a number of blood tests, scans and even a liver biopsy.  Remember my 'Renewed Motivation' post?  I really wish the book I talk about in that post was around.  It would have helped immensely in this experience as you can imagine the kinds of emotions a first time mother would have experienced learning what her infant son was just diagnosed with. (Thankfully he is free and clear and has been for seven years now.)

Let's fast forward to October 2013.  My son, who was seven years old this month, unfortunately witnessed the domestic violence altercation his father and I was in that ultimately jump started the process of extrication from a twelve year long relationship, a nine year marriage.  It was because I was a Mother, I had the courage to finally walk away.  Ultimately, it's one thing to have to endure something personally, but if my child is now affected, that's where the line is drawn.

This post is not about neuroblastoma nor domestic violence.  This is about Mothers. I want to honor Mothers worldwide today.  Not just my own, but all moms - not just moms who have given birth, those who foster, adopt and marry into the role, single moms, married moms, divorced/widowed moms, moms with one child, moms with eighteen children.  We're awesome quite frankly.  My story is only one, of millions of stories that each mother has.  And every story shares the same story line, courage.

I remember having courage to sit in that hospital for six days, watching nurses, poke, prod and whisk my son away for testing while not knowing what in the fuck was going on.  I remember having courage the night of the domestic violence altercation, my seven year old standing up to his father, yelling at the top of his lungs "Don't hurt her!!!!!!", with sheer fright yet determined to protect his mother.  I had the courage that night to say to the police officer, yes, I don't want him back in this house, knowing that the road ahead would be unpleasant and rough - for everyone.  Moms are made of courage.

I've never mentioned this before, but I am also a step-mother.  The Ex has a son, who was six years old when I met him.  He will be twenty years old in June.  Do you know that he loves and respects me more than his own biological parents? That makes me sad, but I am very happy I can be that person for him.  I love him as if he were my own.  I firmly believe being in this past relationship was to be a part of his life, not his father's.

Back to moms, yes, we are courageous.  Today I celebrate the Mothers of the World.  For having the patience, love and determination to keep their children happy and safe.  To knowing what's good for them and taking action when necessary.  For working hard to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table when the father has skipped out.  For trying their absolute best to give the best they can to their children no matter what.

Being a mom doesn't mean making sacrifices, it means being courageous while loving and caring with every ounce of their being.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers of the world.  I hope you enjoy today as much as I will.