Emotional Wave ~ Renewed Motivation

It has been quite some time since I blogged, hasn’t it?  I was somewhat avoiding blogging to be honest.  Why?  Negativity.  I had so much internal negativity, I didn’t want to expose any of you, or spread it.  Know what I mean?  I started blogging as an outlet for working through my thoughts and feelings.  I didn’t have much negativity then.  It was more feeling lost, hopeless, hopeful, aimless thoughts, new adventures or muddling through emotions.  When extrication happened in October (new readers, reference the “In All Seriousness” page before continuing to read), the ball started rolling in December with the few legal aspects of this whole freakin’ debacle.  However, only in the past couple of weeks the heat turned up and all hell broke loose in the ‘emotional bearing’ arena.  Needless to say, I found myself withdrawing from posting or tweeting and having to face down real life drama and circumstances.

So, what brings me back to blog?  My self-awareness.  I worried that my toxic real life drama and emotional chaos would bring you, my readers, my tweeps, my friends, down.  The friends via Twitter and my blog, who genuinely ask how my well-being is regularly because they've read my blog or we've had heart to heart chats on DM about life in general, cared.  I didn't want to worry anyone.  Always the ‘Protector’.  We protectors end up with the most burden.  We care ‘too much’, therefore, we get hurt the most.  Well, that’s my opinion as I've found this to be true in my experience.  This is what made me snap into a realization – we do this to ourselves.  I am responsible for my thoughts and actions, feelings and reactions.  I need to remember you all are as well.  I am not anyone’s keeper.  You keep yourself in check, and I’ll keep myself in check.  Simple.  My blog is mine.  To express as I feel, not what anyone thinks or feels I should be expressing or if it will affect them.  I lost sight of that back in February when the cyber drama happened then real life wants to throw some shit in the mix too in March.  Boo. Anyway, I’ve shaken the ick off and am back with renewed motivation.

While I was working through the real life muck, I started reading again.  I finished reading “Tuesdays with Morrie” by American Writer Mitch Albom last week.  It's a true story about a dying professor (Morrie) who teaches a student (Mitch) from about twenty years ago, about what's important in life during the last months of his life.  I started reading this book in September last fall.  When the shit hit the fan in October, I was 86% into the book and hadn't picked it up since.  After finishing the book, I kicked myself in the ass and remembered why I blog.  It is part of my self prescribed rehab!

I felt like sharing my afterthoughts, my inner monologue of what I learned by reading this book.   I hope you find this profound in some way to jolt thoughts in your life if you're going through a rough patch, or patches or fields. Hell, endless acres even!

There was an amazing, singular aspect of life from Morrie's perspective, that will forever stay scorched in my being.  It's about learning to allow your emotions to FULLY penetrate in an experience so you can detach from that experience.  What?  Right.  Here's an excerpt from the book that may hopefully help you better understand as Morrie explains to Mitch:

"...detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.  On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully.  That's how you are able to leave it."

"Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid.  You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief.  You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails."

In my real life situation, this helped tremendously.  I have always tried to be 'strong' (in enduring the last twelve years) and 'keeping it together'.  Now, what I needed, was to be strong to let my self unravel.  Feel the anger, shame, sadness, hopelessness, love, hate--EVERY emotion, penetrate me fully.  Not a quarter way.  Not half way. Completely.  Of course though, by doing this, comes a hefty price to pay in the 'coping' of your emotions department, let me tell you.  You must let yourself cry unabashedly, get fired up and explosively pissed, be end of the world sad - unbearably, heart achingly, heartbroken to be exact, feel completely and utterly lost and despaired...basically far beneath rock bottom of your emotional capacity really.  It. Will. Fucking. Suck. Bad...

Chin up, though...the detachment part is worth all that pain searing agony of allowing every single emotion to FULLY penetrate you.  It's like your self, your being, is a colander.  You've strained all the excess bullshit with a pressure washer.  When it's all drained, what's left is what really matters.  The true you.  The cleaned you.  The you that was lost in all that muck.  Thoughts become clearer.  Emotions are renewed.  Motivation has been brought back up to the surface instead of forgotten at the bottom of all that ick.

You may or may not be in a situation that would warrant such an extreme kind of emotional journey, but if you should someday, I highly recommend letting yourself be fully penetrated by all your emotions.  Once you do it, each successive time you have to, it'll come easier.  I know.

This book was deeply inspirational for me.  There were so many other aspects of life Morrie's perspective highlighted.  If you haven't read this book yet, it most definitely should be on your reading list.  One of my favorites, without a doubt.

Thanks for sticking around you guys...xoxo...and yes, another snippet should be upcoming with this new motivation.  *wink wink*